I haven’t been around but I have been reading comments.

I’ve distanced myself from the two main male figures who keep hurting me. I rarely talk to them, I think they have noticed something though. One said he missed me so very much and that gasp me really loves me… as a friend. I was actually happy to close the chat window and not say another word to him.

The other guy has become so busy with his girl that he’s never around. When he is, he has said he missed me but I told him he really didn’t and that I had to go, I had something to do. I sat here and cried a while but I was strong and stopped talking to him. I feel good about that, I feel good knowing I can walk away from people who are just around to use me.

Maybe this is the step I need to take before I find someone who will really want to be with me. I can hope can’t I?

I woke to tears this morning. Pain so deep that it aches in ways I’ve never felt before.

I hardly talk to him anymore, last night it was a few words before he told me she was sitting there with him. She knows we’re friends I guess and all the things that were unique and special about me are things she’s starting to do. He won’t need me anymore and just the way he says friend is enough to kill me.

I’m so incredibly stupid. I should just keep to myself, any time I’ve ever taken a risk I end up being told there is someone better than me. I’m tired of coming in second, tired of someone else always being better.

It’s so hurtful to keep getting told how great and awesome you are BUT not good enough because they need something else. Some physical attribute that I don’t have. I shouldn’t want someone who thinks like that, I tell myself it all the time but you get pulled in and you’re told you’re great only to have the rug snatched out from under you and your head hits the hard floor. One of these days it’s going to happen and my head is just going to smash to a million tiny pieces.

If she’s so great why do you keep talking to me? Why do you keep talking to other girls? What the fuck is wrong with you?

With this pain it’s easier for other ones to keep surfacing. It’s like a gashed open wound and all the blood and puss just keep coming through. I keep thinking about another guy who flirted with me, told me how important personality is and how it’s so much more important than looks yet while taking me out for a drink kept texting this other girl the entire time. Then a kiss and the words it’s really not fair to her…

If it’s not fair to her why the fuck would you do that to me? What about what is fair to me? The worst part about it, we’re still friends. It’s like a guy needs to make sure they emotionally destroy me before just being friends. Why do I keep getting punished?

I can’t do this anymore so I stopped talking to the guy above. From time to time he says hi, whatever.

When will I be the one?

I haven’t been missing because I found someone and I’m happy. I’m just so depressed that telling this same story over and over makes me what to fucking kill myself.

How do you watch your soul mate and his girlfriend? How can you stomach it when he tells you all the dirty details. Every word just kills me more. If I say I don’t want to hear it I’m suddenly jealous and he gets pissed at me. So I’ve been trying to distance myself. Not being around, claiming my phone is dead a lot. I know, lies but fuck it hurts and I think I’m entitled to protect myself.

I hate being told there is no one like me, there never will be but even with that I’m simply not good enough.

I want to get into specific things here but I’m terrified that I’ll be found out. I want him to leave me alone but I don’t want to loose him. It nearly killed me the day he told me he met her and he was excited about her. I think that’s the closest I’ve come to actually ending it and since then it hasn’t gotten much better.

The only good thing to come out of this, I can’t eat anymore. I just can’t.

How long does it take you to starve to death?

I hate chasing guys. I hate the bullshit they tell me about how awesome I am because like an idiot I believe them and I just sit here checking my phone wondering why is it that my message goes ignored.

At least I have self control and don’t send message after message. At least I can say I just send one, if I get no answer I let it go for a few days.

I deleted any conversation off my phone, I’ve been good and just stopped wanting to send another but it hurts. It fucking hurts to be led on and then ignored.

*sigh*

I’m done, I can’t do this anymore I can’t keep feeling worthless. Fuck it.

Oh and someone who claims I’m their best friend hasn’t bothered to email me, txt me or anything in 2 weeks. I knew this was going to happen. I knew he would date this girl and his so called best friend the person who was there when he was horribly depressed just gets blown off.

Wonder why I trust no one? Why should I when I get treated like shit.

It seems that no matter how much you claim to love her you keep coming back to me and I have so little self respect I keep letting you. I don’t understand how a guy can profess to be so completely in love with a girl but cheat on her when she’s not around. I know she’s nothing like me, that we connect on a level that you would never even be able to relate to her because of the nature of the situation.

Are you just a colossal asshole or is there something I’m just not understanding? I’m thinking it’s the first.

What the hell is wrong with me that I keep letting him do this? I see the posts he makes about her and it fucking hurts. Why is it that guys do this to me? Why do they tell me I’m so fucking great and awesome but the second a girl comes along who is their visual ideal I’m completely tossed to the side.

I’m tired of being used. If I was a psycho bitch I’d send her all our conversations but really where would that get me? No where. I just need to stop talking to him, not let him have his cake and eat it too. It just really really fucking hurts.

I’ve sat here for the past hour and a half after reading the words.

I’ve never felt so empty in all my life. The tears fall but I don’t feel them. It’s just my body reacting on it’s own, doing the things it thinks it’s supposed to do. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. No one is coming to rescue. There is no one to save me.

If this is the millionth time this has happened do I get a prize? Watch yet another guy turn into a friend to walk away with the girl of his dreams because I don’t measure up. BUT OH YOU’RE A GREAT GIRL…

Fuck you.

My only sweet revenge will come when she realizes the monster you are or you become trapped in a hell of your own making. I’d give anything to push you off the ledge. I just want to hurt all of you like you’ve all hurt me. I want to turn you into a pile of nothing that no one wants.

It’s hard to write when tears cloud your vision.

This is just another guy who just wants to be my best friend and dump all the bad stuff on me and save all the good for her. Thanks. I guess I’ll just put it where my heart used to be. It’s a bottomless pit now.

So bring on the dark sky and let it cover me entirely.
Isn’t that what you expect? I can sing you to sleep.
And all you want from me is a broken heart.

Leave me alone. I have nothing for you, I’m not going to play games with you while you build this perfect life with this perfect girl. I’m completely dead inside, I have no tears, no feelings and no dreams left. If she isn’t giving you what I do then she’s the wrong girl and you only want her because she meets your physical requirements. You claim she’s smart and blah blah blah but I’d bet money that you’re giving her a pass because she’s everything you’ve ever dreamed a girlfriend should look like for you.

Stop playing with me. I’ll not be answering your calls, if she’s so great go be with her.

*sigh*

I knew I was alone, you lied when you said I wasn’t.

I’ve sat here for the past hour or more feeling like shit. Wanting to puke my guys out. Hiding my tears.

I just want to know why is it that I think I might experience a little happiness that I quickly get dashed against the rocks. Is this fun for you? Is it making you feel good to destroy me and bring me from smiling to crying?

I truely am alone.

I thought I found what I was looking for.

Instead I learned I’ll never be happy. Fuck. This. Hurts.

I feel like someone just punched me in the gut. Seriously I feel like hanging myself.

It’s going to be another night of crying myself to sleep. I don’t know why I try, I don’t know why I believe anyone.

My heart is broken, I can’t compete I’m going to go over here now and die a slow very painful death. Then I’ll let some people kick me a few times.

Why. Why did he have to do this to me?

I should have known better. Who the fuck would want me when they could have someone like her?

I have secret. I know that she isn’t who she claims she is. I really should tell him, but I won’t. It’s not my business and honestly I don’t care. If she boils his bunny that’s his problem. I’ve warned him in the past about crazy girls and he claims that the ride was fun. Or when I said one of them will kill him he’s all what a way to go… She’s more than a loser, she’s a liar. I knew I didn’t like her for a good reason.