A Girl Rejected

{December 31, 2010}   A New Year

I know a lot of people get self reflective and think that the next year will have to be better but I just wanted to enlighten everyone who has been reading this about the things I learned.

The guy, the one who smashed my heart into tiny little pieces lied to me about everything. I got this lame email from him and I would cut and paste it but it’s more attention than he deserves.

He destroyed me. He lied to me about another girl even when I looked him in the face and he looked right in my eyes and lied straight to my face.

Men are scum.

I can’t say every single one is but there hasn’t been a guy yet who hasn’t lied to me.

I don’t go for the same guy over and over, I try all different ones. They all end up being douche bags.

I’m not making a vow. I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself because the guy who lied to me is in some far off wonderful place with the girl he lied to me about. It hurts and I’m trying not to let it. It’s been 76 days since I cut him out of my life and every single one of them have been painful and worse than the last.

I’m so done with this pain.

I’m done believing people.

I’m just done.

Thanks for all the kind words, I’d like to say they help but they really don’t. Sorry.


{December 12, 2010}   Been awhile

Seems like I only come back here when I’m feeling empty.

I guess the amount of time since my last post at least proves I can be happy working on my life and doing things I love. Of course when I get happy I open myself up a little and maybe think about giving someone a chance. It takes so much effort to move this wall and it never seems like it’s worth it at all.

How am I supposed to trust anyone when I go outside of what I am normally drawn to think this person is worth my time and effort only to have him do the same things every other guy does?

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being told I’m amazing but that’s not enough to keep you from telling skanks online how beautiful and sexy they are? Yes it’s my fault for thinking you were any different than anyone else. Stupid stupid girl.

ok that’s enough, dry your eyes no point in crying over this one when you knew in your heart it would end the same as everything else. the more and more time that goes by i’m positive that love is ever equal. one person always feels it more, that person always gets hurt. sorry i’m so jaded, i wasn’t born this way.

{September 11, 2010}   Heart That Doesn’t Beat

I feel so numb lately. I miss him so very much and then I feel stupid about it then I beat myself up for missing him and then I break down and start missing him again.

I never want to love anyone ever again. I never want to let anyone else in because I don’t want to ever feel this way for another person.

I’ll put on a happy face and pretend I’m not dead inside.

{July 29, 2010}   Desperation

Is it so awful that I just want to know why?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m this awful person and it makes me look crazy and stupid and everything else bad because I’m hurting and I just want to know why. Why can’t people just be honest? You’re going to look like a cock from time to time but if you plan on being one you better deal with people thinking you’re one.


I’m just tired of feeling like this is always my fault.

I’m tired of feeling anything.

{July 5, 2010}   Tired

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

Why is it I can’t seem to get over this? Why does the hurt just get worse everyday?

No matter how hard I try I can’t turn off these feelings for you. It’s killing me. How did you do it? How did you just stop feeling anything for me? I need to know because if this doesn’t stop soon I’m going to find myself in a padded room rocking back and forth pulling out my hair.

I hate that I love you.

{July 3, 2010}   Make Up Your Mind

You talk to me, you tell me to get online so you can chat with me and then you’ll get pissed for who knows what reason and ignore me. I’m so tired of this. I have been more than upfront with my feelings so you know how I feel about you but you still just fucking play with my heart. Stop it. Stop being a jerk.

My heart is always so broken and you just don’t care. I think things are starting to change. I actually uttered I hate you the other day and while it still hurt I can see you were never what you made yourself out to be but I’m still in the place that if you lied and you hurt me everyone else will do the same.

I just want to be all alone and never talk to anyone again.

I’m trying to keep moving, if I don’t stop I don’t think. The problem with that is when I do stop because my body just won’t go anymore the things in my head that have been following me hit me like a ton of bricks. I need to stop thinking about you. I need to get it into my head that everything you ever said to me wasn’t real. I need my heart to stop hurting.

I’ve never felt this low. I never believed anyone when they told me they loved me. I don’t even believe my parents. I believed you though, I really thought you meant it. I let go of this notion that I’m unlovable for a short time and I believed that all those things you said.

Every time I hear someone say I love you I can feel the bile in my stomach churn and bubble. Every time I hear someone say they would give the world I think how hollow it was when you said it to me.

I see what has happened, it’s all too clear but I can’t stop myself from loving you. You get bored with everything so easily and you change your mind daily about the things you want. I just happened to be another one of those things. You don’t have to admit it, but I know. When you picked that fight, you did it because you knew you were changing your mind.I look back now and I can see how things were changing up to that point.

I would never have turned my back on you. I would have been there no matter what. Through thick and thin, good and bad. Not you though, and it’s one of the things that hurts so much. What is it about me that makes me not worth fighting for?

I’ll always be your biggest fan. I’ll always cheer you on and tell you I believe in you because I do. I believe in you. I will never turn my back on you, I will always be there. I just, I just need to make this stop hurting. I put on a happy face for the world but inside there is a black hole consuming every last bit of me tearing me apart minute by minute.

I need to fix myself but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to turn cold and bitter because of this. I’m tired of being filled with self-doubt.

I don’ t know what to do and I’m afraid of the things I want to do…

{June 25, 2010}   My Stomach Twists and Turns

There is just so much I want to say these days but I just don’t. I just don’t want to sound like I’m always whining because I’m not. I’m pretty happy with the other parts of my life, I just seem to be doing really bad when it comes to heart break.

I so badly wish things would go back to the way they were. If I could rewind time and live in that moment for the rest of my life I would. I just want that feeling back, the feeling like I wasn’t alone and that anything was possible as long as he was by my side. Now I just feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and give up.

The worst part about all this is that the sadness and depression that is being caused by feeling so hurt and alone is messing up my physical health. I can’t eat anymore, I always want to sleep but I can never seem to go to sleep. I want out of this misery.

{June 24, 2010}   Girl Rejected

I’ve been reading comments and while I understand where people are coming from and yes I agree I shouldn’t let people hurt me the truth is it still hurts.

I really don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been working on myself and getting my body healthy but my mind is not doing so well. I’m trying, I keep giving myself pep talks and telling myself I deserve better and I believe that but I’m angry. I’m so angry that someone would lie to me and lead me on only to hurt me like this after promising they wouldn’t.

This sums it up I guess.  I truly believed this person loved me because they said they did. They told me they would fight for me and would not just let me go and then they did just that, what is stopping every other person from lying to me? I have no trust left. I’m angry and bitter and I don’t want to let anyone else in and that also pisses me off because I wasted time on this guy and maybe I could have found something real and now I have no want to even try out of fear.

The whole nothing ventured nothing gained saying falls short. I do not ever want to feel this sort of pain again and I’ll do anything in my power to keep it from happening. I can’t risk heart ache like this again because it’s going to kill me.

That might sound stupid to so many people but unless you have felt this, you won’t understand.

So here I am. That guy still talks to me and it just makes it all worse. I secretly hate him and write all these letters to him that he’ll never see. Or maybe he will… I just don’t know anymore. I just need time.

{March 26, 2010}   STOP!

I’ve never thought so much about dying in my life. I remember the days before you when I can say I was happy and content with myself and now all I do is doubt my every action and feel like I can’t go on without you.

One minute you pull me sort of close and then you push me away as hard as possible.

How can you hurt me like this? How can you live with yourself knowing what you are doing to me is killing me and I have no power to make you stop. I know I can walk away, I know I could shut the door on you but the strength to do so just don’t reside inside of me at this point.

How do you make me so weak?

At this point I wish I’d just get hit by a bus.

et cetera